Simon Millson Testimonial

  TEAM SIMON 13-13 TEAM TAKIS  

MATCH REPORT: Stunning exhibition match brings back the magic After years of rumour, speculation and pleas from the faithful Warlocks fanbase, the dream that many had resigned to the realms of fantasy would finally become a reality today. To mark Simon Millson's 32nd birthday, a ragtag assortment of all-star Warlocks legends of the past dusted off their boots for the great man's official testimonial in the Trent Park sunshine. After intense speculation over which stars would be walking out on to the pitch, some fans were initially disappointed to hear that the likes of George Perrozzi, Charles Stewart and Alex Alimo wouldn't be turning out for the big occasion. Another notable absentee was Ashkan Rahmat however this disappointed nobody. Multiple sources indicate that Charles had demanded a 'significant' fee for his appearance to reflect his 'clear and overwhelming superiority in talent' over his fellow Warlocks alumni (his words). Simon had the honour of choosing the teams and wasted no time in rigging the balance of ability firmly in his team's favour in the hope that nobody would notice. In addition to claiming the only available goalkeeper of any discernible talent in Alex Harris, Simon also snatched up the only available ex-Warlock to have ever displayed an ability to run for more than 5 minutes without passing out - Geoff Spencer-Smith. The team was completed by newcomer Hakim and Elio Pyliotis who had, until now, featured only as a footnote in the illustrious Warlocks record books. Across the pitch they faced a team unofficially captained by Warlocks founder Takis Anatolitis which also included ever-present veteran Mark Grogan, new man Ozman, Petros 'Smeech' Ioannou, another relic of the Warlocks' inaugural season as well as Geoff's younger brother, Mike Spencer-Smith. The years of anticipation were brought to a close as the whistle blew and the deceptively strong midday sun crept out from behind the clouds. Within seconds it became abundantly clear that most of these men were not only well into the twilight of their playing days but also that many of them had not broken out of a light jog to catch a train, let alone kicked a football in several years. Within the first 5 minutes Elio was spotted looking to the heavens, trying to make a deal with whichever god would listen, to let him see our the first half without having to call an ambulance. Even Geoff, revered in his heyday for his ability to sprint so effortlessly for 50 minutes end to end, was appearing to finally feel the wrath of time - and cigarettes. Against the odds, Team Takis (as the ex-Warlocks captain so humbly named them) found themselves taking an early stronghold on the match and flew into an early lead thanks, in no small part, to a quick-fire hattrick from Takis himself. Fuelled by little more than Lucozade and overconfidence, the striker belied his advancing years and began the game in threatening fashion, even tracking back and defending on more than one occasion. Some wondered whether Takis had been secretly sneaking off to train in the run up to this game, others simply wondered where this defensive effort had been in league games all those years before. All questions were answered shortly after however as natural order started to resume and it became clear that Takis had used up everything in the tank within the first 15 minutes. Despite his best efforts to conserve energy through alternating between spells in goal and marking Elio, it was clear that the young man's game was taking its toll on the ageing Warlocks front man. Meanwhile, the even more ancient Mark Grogan proved to be ageing like a fine wine, defying the odds by putting in a vintage display of defensive thuggery and no nonsense hoofing upfield. More surprising still was the fact that Grogan even chipped in with 2 very well-taken goals in an unprecedented bout of attacking flair. This was sadly a far cry from his bold pre-match promise of 6 goals but, as his wife will confirm, Grogan is of course no stranger to disappointment. Despite doubling his all-time career goal tally in a matter of minutes, perhaps the most shocking aspect of Mark's entire performance was the sheer arrogance of thinking he was good enough to pull off the 'Grohawk'. Smeech, who before the match, Charles had described as 'the worst footballer I have ever seen' and Elio, who Charles had described as 'Smeech's only competition', both defied all expectations, including and especially their own, by appearing competent for large portions of the match. Elio even contributed two goals (which is distinctly less impressive when you consider that Grogan achieved the same feat) but notable none the less. Team Takis were quick to capitalise on the fact that Team Simon had clearly decided collectively that Smeech posed no threat whatsoever, routinely leaving him unmarked in acres of space. Even with a first touch about as delicate as Harvey Weinstein's, Smeech was able to take control of the ball, squaring for teammates from wide positions and even hitting the bar in one desperately unlucky attempt. Elio also flourished in the new system of 'socially distant marking' and was instrumental in the opening passages of play. Despite purportedly scoring a beautiful long range drive past Takis between the sticks, the broadcast cameras suffered an unfortunate momentary lapse at that exact moment and sadly none of the players were able to corroborate this having actually occurred. There were no such issues at the other end however when everybody watched on and cheered as Takis slid a delightful finish through Elio's legs for his hattrick. Elio capped off a thoroughly respectable display with a spectacular kick to Ozman's nuts and even received an aggressively struck ball to the face from Grogan for his troubles - certainly not the first Warlock to have one of Grogan's balls in his face. Ozman and Geoff tried their best to embody the spirit of George via several attempts to single handedly take on the entire opposing team, each with varying success. Ozman's influence grew as the game went on, particularly once he realised that shooting from distance was infinitely more productive than passing to Takis or Smeech. Meanwhile Hakim put in a very disciplined defensive performance, keeping Takis quiet and calmly disposing of his stepover attempts before contributing consistently to the attack. The fans were also treated to a rare outfield foray from legendary goalkeeper, Alex Harris. Despite what was, by virtually any standard, a perfectly acceptable outfield performance, he demonstrated his real value as a keeper with a string of impressive saves which looked all the more impressive having just replaced Elio in goal. His crowning moment though was a spectacular diving save to deny Takis a 5th goal from a well-struck long range effort. It was clear from the first whistle that Team Simon's main goal threat was going to be Geoff. Opta Stats confirmed that Geoff was in possession of the ball for just over 60% of the entire match. During this time he completed a total of 3 passes. 2 of these passes were to himself. The real story developing however was the head-to-head between the two Spencer-Smith brothers as Mike emerged as the driving force for Team Takis. Mike combined an outstanding athleticism, technique and an eye for goal with some great distribution of the ball. It was almost as if someone had finally taught Geoff how to pass. Geoff displayed a typically dominant performance and, to his credit, smashed in a frankly outrageous 6 goals in the process, although Mike ran him very close with 5 goals of his own. Geoff added a stunning own goal to his collection but it was his final strike that was his most impressive. In a manoeuvre that had become something of a signature from the height of his Warlocks fame, Geoff attempted a ridiculous right footed shot from approximately the corner flag. Miraculously after dozens of failed attempts throughout his career he finally managed to land one in the far corner of the net. Fittingly however, it was to be the birthday boy who would steal the show. Simon spent most of the first half exemplifying the deep-lying playmaker role that had endeared him to the Warlocks faithful for so many years, elegantly orchestrating what would have been seamless, sharp tiki-taka football had Elio only been Andres Iniesta (Andres Iniesta, sadly he is not). As the game drew to it's dramatic climax, Simon employed his cunning footballing intellect and realised that his weary opposition had all but entirely given up on defending. As if 6 pints deep on a Saturday night, Simon surged forward seeking to exploit any gaping holes he could find. He saw his name in lights and spent the last 10 minutes parked firmly on the edge of the area in one of the most shameless displays of goal hanging seen in recent history. With 2 goals to his name already and in the dying seconds, his team was a goal down; Simon knew his team needed a hero. In a truly fairytale moment, he rolled back the years as he picked the ball up at a distance and curled a rocket into the top corner in quintessential prime Simon Millson fashion - a trademark goal from the man of the hour. To the delight of every man on the pitch, the final whistle finally brought the epic showpiece to a close. The fans cheered in delight as grown men fell to their knees. It was a spectacle befitting the occasion and fulfilling all the expectation. Could this be the start of a Warlocks renaissance of sorts? Will we see a second exhibition match including some more old faces? Is Grogan going to he lacing up his boots deep into his 40s? Will Elio ever set foot on a football pitch again? There are many questions that still need to be answered but the one question that was on everyone's lips before the match was 'have the Warlocks still got what it takes?' Today they answered with an emphatic 'possibly'. Happy birthday Simon Millson and COYW! Goal of the Match - Simon Millson Despite Geoff scoring from an angle which possibly defied all known laws of physics, the day belonged to Simon on his 32nd birthday. In the final seconds of the day, Simon served up a Millson special with an unstoppable (even if Takis does say so himself) strike to the top corner from distance. It's safe to say that Manuel Neuer, Jan Oblak and Gianluigi Buffon all lined up across that five-a-side goal would have had no chance of saving that.

Man of the Match - Elio Pyliotis In a shock turn of events, the man who perhaps surpassed expectations most impressively was Elio. This is down largely to those expectations being for Elio to exhibit all the footballing ability of a blind, 1-legged donkey. Elio indeed set modest standards for his own measure of success in today's match, listing criteria such as 'not vomiting on the pitch', 'completing a pass' and 'just being better than Smeech', however by all accounts Elio held his own very well, displaying a great reading of the game and some smart passes as well as 2 good goals to cap off his performance. Elio has since announced his permanent retirement from football in the hope of going out on a high but is being touted as a future manager of the team.

Dick of the Day - Mark Grogan While the Man of the Match award was a turn up for the books, there were no surprises when it came to this particular choice. After showing up looking like Robert De Niro's stunt double from Taxi Driver, Grogan's ability on the pitch simply fell miles short of being able to justify looking like that much of a cunt. While his appearance did evoke a strange nostalgia for the type of violent ASBO scumbags that the Warlocks so often found themselves facing in the Colosseum of the Barnet Powerleague, a tee-total man approaching 40 who lives on a diet of chicken nuggets and ketchup, has never been in a gang, owned a motorbike or got a tattoo has no place whatsoever sporting this particular look. Even Takis who showed up in a Brazil shirt, in what must have have only been an attempt at irony, couldn't offer any real competition on the day. After lashing a vicious shot straight into Elio's head, Grogan, perhaps buying into his new self-styled image as the badboy of Charlie's Warlocks, then took off without even paying for the match. A shocking effort on every front.