News Archive

'''Gashkan to be Gagged? '''(1 August, 2012)

Following increasing concern over Ash Rahmat's embarrassing attempts at humour (see below news report) rumours are rife that Warlopedia administators are considering revoking his editing privileges on the site in an attempt to curtail his substandard contributions. Having already caused great controversy by removing details of his reprehensible past in Eastern Europe and committing the equally heinous faux-pas of typing 'are' instead of 'our' - a remarkable failure for a post-graduate legal student - Ashkan has added considerable weight to the suggestions that exams are indeed getting easier. A Warlopedia spokesman confirmed that Rahmat's future updates are to be closely monitored with a view to maintaining the highly professional ethos of the site. In similar news, Mark Grogan has proven that it isn't just his football that is riddled with errors, making an astounding 4 spelling mistakes in 4 separate Warlopedia updates in a single day's editing.

'''Where's Grogan? '''(31 July 2012)

Following a prolonged absence from the pitch, people have been asking "Where's Grogan". Rumour has it he took a cock up the arse and hasn't been able to run properly, others say he does more good off the pitch than on it. Well whatever you think about our beloved, he's been acting more like a "submarine" than a "Wolverine", choosing to stay under the radar.

Are thoughts are with Takis Anatolitis, Grogan's long suffering boyfriend.

"El Hadj" Geoff strikes a pose while the other Warlocks discuss tactics at half time.Added by Markjosephgrogan Smashkan Smashes It (27 July, 2012)

A huge Warlocks 'congratulations' goes out today to Ashkan Rahmat after he received a distinction in the Legal Practice Course, a mark which sadly eluded team captain, Takis Anatolitis before him. Given his regular altercations with various European authorities, Ash's newfound elite legal expertise now leaves him better-placed to work his way through loopholes in the law relating to his controversial extra-curricular activity. A Warlocks spokesperson today played down the suggestions that Ash had the moderators paid off to deliver his top grade. Charles Stewart is rumoured to have already hired Ash as his personal defence against a plethora of sex offence allegations. Ash's first job as Warlocks General Counsel however will be to finalise the contracts on a high-end sponsorship deal, the proceeds of which are to be used to pay off the families of Stewart's victims.

Keeper Crisis (27 July, 2012)

A combination of Ash Rahmat's terrible injury fortunes, Alex Harris' impending two-week holiday and Mark Grogan's distinct general lack of ability have left the Warlocks short of a regular goalkeeper for much of Season 6. The situation does not seem to be about to remedy itself any time soon with the crucial promotion clash with Real Old a little over two weeks away. Despite a frankly woeful effort on goal in the last match, Charles Stewart's abilities will surely be needed outfield in the coming games and so the situation remains: the Warlocks desperately need a goalkeeper. Manager, Anatolitis is appealing to all Warlocks for any suggestions for a temporary solution to the vacancy. Anatolitis plans to contact the Powerleague centre to try and find a stand-by goalkeeper to fill in but in the meantime it would be greatly appreciated if any known keepers are contact prior to Tuesday's game.

Warlocks Team Kit (24 July, 2012)

Not satisfied with the degree to which the Warlocks are currently being kicked over the course of their matches, team chairman Takis Anatolitis has decided it is time to create a slightly more offensive look by introducing an official Charlie's Warlocks team kit. The cost of each shirt is likely to be around £20 and this may include numbering and shirt names, however the club has decided to offer a 50% student discount. Anatolitis has already expressed his desire for a "Ridiculinho", number 10 jersey complete with captain's armband. In an attempt to appease their legions of fans, the Warlocks are hoping to keep their traditional white as at least one of the colours on the kit. Another concern is to choose a colour unlikely to clash with that of any other team in an attempt to avoid the dreaded sweat-soaked BO-ridden bibs, fresh from the armpits of the previous team.

Rumours have surfaced that Mark Grogan is not to be offered a shirt upon his return from injury.

Kit suggestions

Also available in short-sleeve.Added by DiscipleOfSheen Given the uncanny and well-documented similarities in play between captain, Takis Anatolitis and Argentina star Lionel Messi, the sky blue and white vertical stripes of Argentina is the natural choice for the Warlocks team. The vertical pattern achieves a more slimming effect while the v-neck collar allows breathing room for Anatolitis' monstrous traps.

It should be noted that individual Warlocks are likely to have virtually no input to choosing their own shirt names, as these should be chosen by their adoring teammates. "Gashkan, 5", anyone?

Wealthy philanthropist, Nick Mabbett is rumoured to have offered the Warlocks a full sponsorhip for the value of the kits on the condition that a photograph of his rusty sheriff's badge be positioned on the front of the shirt.

See older news

Setback for Smashkan (25 July, 2012)

The Warlocks' goalkeeper curse continued this week when Ashkan Rahmat, days before his long anticipated return to goal, suffered a fractured thumb. Brave soldier Ash played outfield nevertheless, dishing out a plethora of crunching challenges in the process, while fellow sicknote Mark Grogan watched on from the sidelines. Ash had earlier criticised Grogan for 'pussying out', questioning his commitment to the team. Grogan, who has been called the Jordan Henderson of Charlie's Warlocks, responded by rescinding Ash's invite to his bi-weekly Jurassic Park-athon.

Grogan out for 3-4 weeks with fractured toe (10 July, 2012)

Legendary mascot Mark Grogan, the infamous hardman of the squad, has injured his toe when trying to receive a pass from a team member.

Ever the style-guru of the team, Grogan can be seen nowadays walking with one shoe and one fetching slipper. We do look forward to his return to form as his banter on the pitch is sorely missed. Scientific analysis of his injury suggests that the damage was most likely sustained as a result of his creepily oversized big toe, a condition medically known as Congenital Creepiphalange Syndrome.